holosophy

It’s not about fear of failing, it’s about fear of succeeding.

I want to hide under a rock.

I am jealous of those who have the ability to stand out from the crowd. I do not like those who stand out from the crowd. I hate those who stand out from the crowd. I want to stand out from the crowd but am too scared to.

I don’t like those who succeed. I am jealous of those who succeed - not those who are lucky - good for them - I want to be lucky, I like lucky. I can justify lucky. I can’t justify success.

I work very hard at failing - harder than anyone else I know, and I’m very good at it. I am the best. I have all the potential - all the ability. I can do anything except succeed.

But hey, I am a success at failing. The only thing I am a success at is failing.

I am not a ne’er do well. I am not thick. I am not lazy. I am… shy. I am not illiterate. I am not uneducated. I am not unaware.

I am not a coward.

I am a frightened kid.

Nothing should come easy, I have to fight for it, and I do - that way it’s earned. People have to see me as a fighter, have to see me as a champion of the underdog, so I deserve what little reward I get. If I succeed in a small way I deserve it - it was hard fought for. If I fail, which I usually do in the bigger issues, I get commiseration, sympathy - ‘cos after all, I tried my best, didn’t I, I gave it my best shot…

The flip side of this is that I can be loud arrogant dismissive and ultimately - despairing.

I’ve tried to assuage success by striking a deal that if I am allowed success I will share it - but success is like this monster that just wants to “eat me up and spit me out”. It doesn’t care about me.

I will make friends with the monster.

This is my Strategy for Success.

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