Often it is said that people don’t change (a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots) or won’t change (”I’m too old to change”). Fact is people do change - all the time. They cannot not change. Change is the only certainty in life, up to and including the final change; the transition to death. Once we accept that change is inevitable, it follows that what matters most is how we change; ie whether by chance or by choice.
Most people are reluctant to change, and often resistant. There are many reasons for this. For some it is the illusion of security, for others the denial of responsibility. Then again, it can simply be fear of the unknown, or of failure. Sometimes, and perhaps saddest of all, it is a firmly held belief that it just isn’t possible for them.
It is our attitude and belief system that are the most important factors in deciding how we change and how we are affected by change; are we “leaves in the wind” or do we possess free will? Certainly people seldom change willingly, and very rarely consciously and intentionally. Mostly they do not choose change, they have it forced upon them by external factors; other peoples actions, nature, time etc.
If an outside situation affects us adversely, then our attitude towards it is crucial. If we believe that we are helpless victims not only do we leave ourselves at the mercy of those circumstances, but the resultant feelings of impotence, frustration and ultimately anger can cause anything from depression to disease.
If that situation truly is totally beyond our control, our attitude matters even more. If we habitually think we are at the mercy of some greater power, we will tend to convince ourselves that the whole universe is against us, whereas if we normally have a healthy positive attitude we will recognise that this is just one of those things, one of those times when we give in graciously and make the best of it.
One of my favourite quotations is “Serenity”;
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change those things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
(Reinhold Niebuhr 1892-1971)
A profound concept, yet stated so simply I find it both comforting and inspiring. It does, however, have a little sting in the tail in the small matter of attaining the requisite Wisdom, without which neither the Serenity nor the Courage can be put to good use.
It is all too easy to think that we know what we can and can’t change, when in fact most of us have little or no idea. The root of this problem lies in our belief system. In fact the roots of many of our problems lie in our belief systems; both individually and collectively. From now on I will abbreviate “belief system” to BS - partly to save repetition, but mostly because that’s what it is; a load of bulls***!
Our BS gives structure and security to our life, yet ironically in doing that it imposes our severest limitations on us. And the biggest problem of all is that, by definition, our belief system is self-limiting, it cannot conceive of anything outside itself; if it did it would no longer be the same belief system. We either believe in something or we do not. If we believe in fairies, it doesn’t matter how much evidence there is that fairies don’t exist, we don’t believe that evidence - it is wrong / false / misleading etc.
Add to this the fact that it is part of human nature to find ways to prove true what we believe to be true (or to make it come true!) and you probably get an idea of the scale of the problem. Mostly we hate to admit we “don’t know” something. It is seen as a sign of weakness or stupidity, and it can certainly lead to poor decision making and weak leadership.
No, we prefer to believe in something, and to act as if we are right, and possibly even an authority on the subject. This is especially so with “big issues” - politics, religion, football, sex, animal rights, football, drugs, football……
If some eminent and authoritative Government Scientist stands up and says “I have spent ten years and three squillion pounds proving that crop circles are created by aliens” people will tend to polarize into “See, I told you so Mavis, I knew it all along” or “another bloody crackpot wasting public money”, very few will simply say that they don’t know.
And as for the newspapers…. well, of course, if it’s in print it must be true!
The only bs that can allow us to change and move on, is the bs that says “I have no boundaries, I can do (or be) whatever I like, I am a work in progress not a finished being”.
Unfortunately familial, societal, educational (etc. etc. etc.) pressure is put on us to conform from a very early age, in fact, from birth! Everything around us is conditional, from how our parents treat us, what we eat, when we eat, our education, our employment, our social acceptance, indeed our very survival depends on our conformity. Hardly surprising then that most of us don’t feel that we have free will!
One of the things that I found hardest to come to terms with when I first took an interest in counselling and therapy, was how often I could see that someone could be helped if only they would allow it, and how they usually don’t. There is a stigma attached to therapy which blocks all but the hardiest of individuals from ever reaching out for help, until and unless desperation sets in. It as if asking for help is the last straw in confirming ones utter uselessness and incompetence, when it should be seen as a friend and ally in the journey of life, one which can alleviate problems and increase joy and fulfillment.
In general someone has to ask for help before it can be given, or at least agree to it if it’s offered (and it’s incredibly difficult to offer help when someone thinks they’re “ok”, and you know that to offer help will be seen as at least a criticism if not an outright insult). In either case the frequency with which they set out to prove that they’re “untreatable” is rather sad. They turn it into a kind of contest, a duel, in some kind of perverse “see, I knew I was right all along” “no-one can help me”, “I’m a special case” way.
The irony is that some therapy can best be carried out covertly, without awareness, i.e. without permission, however this is usually deemed unethical. Some highly skilled practitioners carry out “secret therapy” as it is sometimes called even when they have full permission, since doing it like that, ie without the client having conscious awareness of it, completely bypasses the possibility of resistance or interference.
For change therapy to be effective it has to be truly desired; it’s no good thinking that we ought to lose weight or give up smoking, we have to really deisire those states.
Unfortunately the areas with the least stigma attached, where it’s deemed most acceptable to seek outside help, are the ones that typically fall into that category. It is very hard to lose weight when you love eating, or to give up smoking if you enjoy it immensely. So many people try to do it on their own and fail, that they quite understand why you would join a group or seek out help to achieve the desired result.
Often it is in relationships that these issues arise, usually because there are problems, and one partner (or sometimes each partner) thinks that the other person is the cause and should change, and if only they would then everything would be alright. It’s part of their belief system.
Unfortunately there are two problems (at least) with this;
1) If it’s reached this stage then many hours of arguing have already ensured that both sides are firmly entrenched in their position, and have reached stalemate, having tried all the ploys they can think of.
2) For the situation to change someone has to change. The person demanding the change usually doesn’t see why they should “do” any more - they fervently believe it’s the other ones turn, and if that person was receptive to change they already would have!
Fortunately there are a few tools in the therapists box to help break the deadlock. If for example someone is set in their ways, one might set out to discover anomalies or hypocrisies in their behaviour. If one can create a degree of confusion in their mind then a path may be opened to a new understanding. Another way is to show them that in the past they have changed and been happy with the result, and then use that to open a chink in their armour, pointing out that if they’ve done it before they can do it again. Yet another way (one of my faves) is to get people to pretend (play act). This gives licence to explore all sorts of possibilities without actually confronting or challenging beliefs.
One very important factor that is often overlooked is that all therapy or change work should be designed to add choice to a persons repertoire, to remove limitations, not to simply change one rigid pattern of behaviour for another. Typically if a person has only one reaction to a situation, then replacing that with another reaction is not sufficient; the end result should, preferably, be to leave them with at least three different ways to react to the stimulus, including the old original way so that they know they have grown in ability and not been cheated out of a lifelong part of themselves.
The notion of value added is actually more important than may at first appear to be the case. Supposing, for example, someone has a phobia about snakes. Whilst they may well wish the phobia to be removed, if you totally removed all fear of snakes, and thus removed the safety factor which looks after them in a potentially dangerous situation, you’d not get many referrals if they got bitten. Clearly it is only the irrational part of the fear which should be removed, not the sensible, cautionary, protective part.
This also points the way to another type of change that is under utilised, which is commonly called Generative Change. It’s a fancy name for a very simple concept. While most effort goes into righting wrongs, ie having identified an area in which we have a problematic or inappropriate response we set out therapeutically to produce a different “better” response, this is typically only the “tip of the iceberg”. What about the majority of our behaviour which mostly goes unnoticed? Our ambition, our learning, our enjoyment, our relationships, our success…..
Just because there isn’t a specific problem in an area, and in fact even whenwe can do something well, doesn’t mean there’s no room for improvement. The only area in which this is currently generally accepted is sports performance, where mental rehearsal is well documented as a very useful technique. It can however be used in a multitude of ways.
For example, if you identify a skill that works for you in your job that skill can be honed and improved. Perhaps you are a PA, and in order to do your job you have to know how your boss would deal with a situation. You have probably developed an ability to think like him (or her) to a certain extent, and that ability can be enhanced. Or maybe you’re a good communicator, but you wish to be even better - that too can be achieved. Successful? How about being even more so!
There’s no end to the ways we can improve our lives, and the lives of others. The only limit is your imagination, and the only requirement is to “give it a whirl”!
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